I'm sure that many of you have your own comments
about what I'm going to say, but what I intend to put forth is the truth. There
is no clear-cut scriptural or Biblical "case" for internet dating. It
is one of those "matters of conscience" spoken of by the apostle Paul
in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33. God can certainly work and move in many different
ways. Just as God's will was sometimes determined by lot in both Old and New
Testaments (Prov. 18:18, Acts 1:26), God can certainly work through cyberspace
or other means if that's what He wants to do.
However, just because it may "work" does
not mean it must and would "work" for everyone. If someone finds
their "soul-mate" through online dating, does that mean that it has
God's blessing and stamp of approval for everyone else?
For a Christian, there are many considerations to
be weighed before entering into this kind of dating. One must determine if this
is God's plan and purpose for them and enter into it as an act of FAITH, not
just as an experiment. Remember, we are in this world but we are not part of it
and we walk by faith and not by sight. Personal Holiness, integrity of heart,
inner motives, faith goals, safety and spiritual covering are all issues that
must be faced and dealt with.
Listed below are several pros and cons of internet
dating.
THE PROS:
WEB IS CONVENIENT: Internet socializing hardly
requires any extra resources. All that is basically needed is a PC, and
internet connection. From a single desktop, you get the ability to reach people
in unimaginable corners of this world. You can choose any time of the day or
night to search for people, leave messages or retrieve messages from both
friends and strangers.
Also there is the fact that the internet makes some
people have bad hair days, out-of-style wardrobes, acne outbreaks and
non-issues.
INTERNET IS CHEAP: Compared to real-world
socializing, dating on the internet proves to be much cheaper. At the most, you
spend some minimal cash for subscribing to a dating service, coupled with the
cost of internet connectivity. The internet does allow access to millions of
people worldwide at relatively lower costs than accessing real potential daters
in real life.
ONLINE DATING IS SAFE (in terms of initial
information): Given the anonymity of users of the internet and the tools
provided with most dating sites to limit undesirable contact, safety is a
significant advantage to online dating over many traditional means meeting
partners. However, identifying what increases or decreases the dangers is an
important part of recognizing safety as an advantage of the internet in the
matchmaking process. The key to online safety, experts note, is in limiting the
amount of personal information revealed.
PROFILES SERVE AS A GOOD MEANS OF INTRODUCTION: For
many, profiting comes as a major advantage to introducing oneself on the
internet. Profiling allows users to limit their search to include those
matching criteria that are absolutely vital in their potential dates. Criteria
such as location, age, etc. can be accurately limited. Establishing
"non-negotiable" criteria allow users to avoid a great deal of
expense in terms of cash and time. It is no longer necessary for singles to
embark on a four-hour date in order to discover the fatal flaw.
THE CONS:
IT'S NOT REAL: The psychology of courtship on the
internet raises repeated concerns in terms of how web relationships progress.
For one, online relationships start with the mere exchange of words. This
eliminates the use of other human senses. Visual cues and non-verbal
communication are missing in this kind of relationship in comparison to offline
dating. This creates a challenge for people in terms of distinctly identifying
the fantasy part and distinguishing it from reality. Also, online dating
normally advances at a frenetic pace, with most of a person's life history and
other details exposed in a relatively short period of time than in a real-world
dating. This speed tends to create a disproportionate level of perceived
intimacy which is separate from reality. The internet as a medium for such
relationships has a tendency to immerse people in a situation where the line
between fantasy and actuality becomes distorted. BEWARE!!!
DISHONESTY LEVELS ARE HIGH: This is the most
commonly known disadvantage of online dating. The internet is full of stories
about internet liars, or dating gone hay-wire, some even ending dangerously
just because one or more of the people involved were dishonest about the
information they revealed. More often than not, there are stories about people
finding out that their online love, in real life is either maimed or doesn't
look like what his/her photograph revealed, or is totally different from
his/her personal description. Besides people, many online dating sites also lie
in order to get registered users, or to tempt people into buying subscriptions.
SAFETY IS AT RISK: Earlier on I described online
dating in the PROS as "safe", but it goes without saying that it also
has its safety issues. Admittedly, there is a level of risk taken in being
exposed to offensive or obscene materials when using online dating sites. There
is also a risk of providing personal information that someone may use to harass
or harm his/her victim especially through blackmail. However, common sense,
good judgment, and minimal safety rules when applied online tend to reduce this
risk considerably.
LIMITED CHEMISTRY: Chemistry is the most fundamental
limitation of online dating in contrast to the traditional in-person methods.
No amount of database field matching or grooving over instant messaging can
guarantee that two people "click" in person. In many marriages,
especially Christian marriages, couples are usually "opposites" in
terms of likes, backgrounds, temperaments, etc. Their single most enduring
compatible factor is that they both love the Lord. Only God can put that
together. Listen, you cannot assess information about another without physical,
non-verbal cues. Dr. Reece Burka said "A FALSE SENSE OF INTIMACY IS
CREATED WHEN INTERACTION REMAINS PURELY COGNITIVE." These days, the
increasing addition of web cameras, high-tech phones, iPads and many other
high-tech gadgets are used as part of online services helps to some degree. The
inability of the internet to reveal chemistry between people limits its value
to the search, initial contact and establishment of interest with others.
OPENS THE DOOR TO ADDICTION:
Because of the need to spend a lot of time online
to establish relationship, it is very easy to become addicted to computer
chatting. It will not be noticeable at first, but there are several things to
ask to find if the habit is becoming a problem:
1. Am I still spending quality time with God in
prayer and devotions?
2. Am I spending more than an hour or two a day
online?
3. Am I losing sleep or unable to maintain my level
of activity due to tiredness or fatigue?
4. Am I preoccupied with the process to the extent
of missing appointments, not returning calls, skipping meetings or other areas
of responsibility, not maintaining other relationships?
5. Am I open to being accountable for time spent on
dating online?
If there is evidence of any of these things taking
place, it is probably time to back off and seek some godly counsel and prayer.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER WHEN DATING ONLINE
1. Is dating through the internet, with the goal of
finding a husband/wife, God's will, purpose, and best choice for me?
Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and
pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any
longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your
mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good,
pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:12) Just because others are using
this method does not necessarily mean it has God's blessing on it for you. If
this is truly God's best and the method for meeting a spouse, then blessing and
favor will be peace, confidence and a level of faith released to see it
through. It won't be approached as an "experiment" but as an act of
faith (Rom 14:23, 2 Cor. 13:5)
2. If internet match-making is God's choice for
you, are at least 2 or 3 other mature Christian believers who agree and support
the plan?
Every matter must be established by the testimony
of 2 or 3 witnesses (2 Cor. 13:1). If we want to stay under God's protective
spiritual covering, then we can trust that God's plan will be evident to those
in authority over us, as well as to other mature believers. Ideally, these
persons should "bear witness" in their own hearts and spirits that
this is God's will and agree to lend their prayer support and encouragement to
the process. (This is not the case if others simply "go along with
it" to see what happens...)
This should be people who know you and spend time
with you somewhat consistently (small group, prayer partners, cell members,
church leaders, school colleagues, etc.).
3. If you have tried to seek a spouse using
"conventional" dating methods, what was your experience and how did
that prompt the desire to use the internet?
If the choice of using the internet is based on
frustration over past experiences, or any previous disappointments with God,
consider your motives, and the state of your heart. If there is unresolved
anger for God not answering a prayer or fulfilling a need, then our hearts are
not in the right place to move forward to receive His intended blessings. In 1
Samuel 28, King Saul was frustrated with God because He hadn't answered his
prayers. He tried all the conventional methods of prayer, but didn't get a
reply. He was desperate for an answer. So even though he knew it was evil in
God's sight, he decided to go seek advice from a medium (necromancer) and
"call up" the prophet Samuel. It worked! He talked with the dead
prophet (or so he thinks) only to find out he had been disobedient to God and
would be dead in 24hours. The principle is this.
In our desperation for an answer from God, we can't
take things into our own hands. If we are impatient with God' dealings and move
ahead on our own, we will open the door to the demonic because of our
disobedience. And, if He's not responding, could it be because of some
unresolved issues that need to be dealt with first? God is looking at our heart
and motives. He's looking at our level of faith and ability to totally trust
Him for His time, His ability, His method...to act out of frustration or impatience
could actually be an act of disobedience and hinder God's fullest blessing.
4. If it is discerned that internet dating is God's
chosen method, then what safety measures and standards have been developed to
ensure protection, not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally?
Is the site Christ-centered and God-honoring? Is a
person's safety a concern? Are there tips and ideas shared to educate the user
on how to use the site, maintaining their own privacy and safety? What is the
integrity of the website?
5. Could your decision to use an internet dating
service become a stumbling block to anyone?
Be careful, however that the exercise of your
freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a
weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge, won't he be emboldened? So
this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge (1 Cor.
8:9-11).
"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good
of others...so, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of
God. Do not cause anyone to stumble...for I am not seeking my own good but the
good of many so that they may be saved. (1 Cor. 10:23-33). If god has given you
"freedom" to seek a spouse this way, is there anyone around you who
may end up stumbling in their faith because of your involvement in it (or
simply, their knowledge of your involvement)? Perhaps, a less mature believer
who is struggling with loneliness and hears of this approach to intimacy?
Perhaps another single that is frustrated at God's lack of provision and wants
to join you in this pursuit of internet dating?
Do they have the same level of faith or insight to
guard their heart and discern what is good and right?
6. What safeguards are in place to guard your own
heart and emotional well-being?
"Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to
you. Guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit Who lives in us" (2 Tim
1:14)
"But each one is tempted, when by His own evil
desires, he is dragged away and enticed. Then after desire has been conceived,
it gives birth to sin..." (James 1:13-15)
"For a man is a slave to whatever has mastered
him" (2 Pet 2:17-19)
"Set your hearts on things above" (Col
3:1)
Having the desire for intimacy, companionship, love
and affection are good and God-given. Realistically, however, when that longing
and desire is strong and yet unfulfilled, it puts the heart in a vulnerable
position. Deception can easily happen when the heart is pulled by words or
actions that feel good in the soul.
You must guard your hearts, thoughts and emotions
and be accountable to someone else with your feelings. The heart can be
deceptive and Godly counsel must be sought when the emotions are raw and
hurting. When temptations come, to "act on impulse," or "go by
your feelings", wisdom and discernment are needed from others around to
guard your heart. Internet dating appeals to the soul - the dreams and longings
of the heart. Wisdom must be sought in order to separate soul from spirit (Heb.
4:12) to determine proper responses and goals. Recognizing this tendency within
your own emotions can better position you to make the right choices. And you
need to ask God to fill that void and stand guard over your heart. (2 Tim 3:1-7
is a very interesting passage that seems to allude to popular media and its
pull on your hearts.)
7. Apart from internet dating, have you ever asked
God for a spouse? Have you invited 2 or 3 other mature believers to join you in
this prayer and released your faith together in this way?
Before trying this "new" method of
dating, have you really given God a chance using the "old-fashioned"
Biblical way? When praying with others about your desire for companionship,
greater insight will be gained as to God's ultimate purpose and will for you -
even apart from marriage. Remember, God's goal is not to see you married but to
see you WHOLE, HEALED AND READY to serve Him in whatever capacity He would call
you. God's blessing may follow you in cyberspace dating if:
- You have discerned that this is the method that
God has purposed for you to find a mate.
- You have submitted yourself to be accountable to
2 or 3 close friends who share in this call and will support you through prayer
and the discernment process.
- You have the faith to believe that God can bring
you a mate through these means.
- You exhibit fruit of the Spirit in your daily
walk and walk in the peace and joy of the Spirit.
However, if there are questions or doubt about any
of the criteria, that I stated, then you may need to spend more time in prayer
and reflection before moving ahead. Don't forget, most of these dating sites
are social networks i.e. the devil is also socializing there, so as a child of
God, cyber romance should not be an option for you. Rather use these sites to
share the Word of God and talk people out of these addictions. May God help us
all.
I love y'all
KABAYA
05-02-2012
Copyright © Sarah Worldchanger Dominique
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