Monday, September 17, 2012

CHRISTIAN DATERS & KISSING

I use the term Christian daters kissing with reference to Christian singles kissing during the course of their dating or courtship. I receive a lot Christian daters kissing questions from people. A lot of Christian singles want to know whether it’s alright to kiss if you have established a serious courtship with someone especially one that is heading towards marriage.

The problem with love and the feelings that come with love is that love always wants to express itself, whether physical through acts like holding hands, hugging, and kissing or in other ways like the giving of gifts, showing care and kindness and other attributes associated with the expression of love.

While it is natural to want to express love, being Christians, people are warned (and rightly so) about crossing Christian boundaries. It is a good sign that we are still God-conscious and do not want to grieve the Holy spirit which is very noble.
Christian daters kissing is one of those complicated areas because on one hand you want to express your feelings and on the other hand you love in a physical way and even though your intentions may be pure you still tend to worry about whether kissing is right or wrong or whether it constitutes sexual impurity.

Some people are completely opposed to Christian daters kissing because of the potential risks and what kissing can lead to. They believe that it starts with kissing and when kissing is not enough, heavy petting begins, and when heavy petting is not enough then fornication takes place. That is the general argument but not every couple that kisses ends up indulging in heavy petting and fornication.

Christian daters kissing is still a very grey area because we define kissing at different levels. The levels differ from the simple peck all the way to the French kiss. I guess the main concern that most Christians have is whether kissing is a sin in God’s eyes or not.


Is Kissing An Evidence Of Lust? Is Kissing A Form Of Sexual Sin?

I tend to advice people from the perspective that they should be aware of the possible dangers of their actions and be ready to deal with the consequences of those actions. When it comes to answering the questions should Christian daters kiss, I would tell you to look within yourself and listen to your conscience and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Because, if you are doing something wrong, the Holy Spirit will convict you and you will know you should not do whatever it is that you were planning to do. He that has an ear listens to the voice of the Spirit.

But I would like to open a debate on this and get the opinion on this matter. I would like to know your take on your take on Christian daters kissing. Do you think it is okay or do you think it is unacceptable? Are certain types of kissing okay while others are not? I’m really interested in knowing your response and your opinions on this matter. So, please do share your thoughts on this very important topic that Christian singles ask often.

My position is not one of an abolitionist against all forms of kissing, even before marriage. There are many examples in the Bible on kissing (even passionate kissing i.e. Gen 45:15 and Acts 20:37) people other than their own spouse. Additionally, the Bible commands Christians to “greet each other with a (HOLY) kiss [of love].” (Rom 16:16, I Cor. 16:20, II Cor. 13:12, 1 Thess. 5:26, 1 Pet 5:14)

The question we should ask is, "Is it exactly at the Biblical exhortation that we begin drawing a line between what is proper kissing and importer kissing?" That the Bible exhorts Christians to greet one another with a holy kiss and a kiss of love begins to establish that certainly we are to greet one another. Not accost or wrestle with or tongue strangle or any of the other activities that go on when one becomes emotionally and physically aroused by the sensual nature of intimate kissing. The second kind of kissing of kissing Christians are to engage in is “Holy Kissing”.

Holy means separate, distinct, and set apart. Christians are not to engage in the kind of every day intimate petting and fornication that non-Christians engage in. We are called to be a Holy Nation, and therefore, the way we kiss (as well as everything we do in life) should be holy too. Third, the Christian kiss is to be one of love i.e. an outward expression of the love and care one has for the person being kissed.

Unfortunately, the Scriptures do not distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate ways or means of kissing but the Scriptures has a lot to say about the overall behaviour and conduct of God’s people both corporately and individually of which one would seem to agree, kissing would be a part of the overall guidance. Thus, Christians affirm a certain and distinct system of ethics that non-Christians hold to.

I would conclude that it is in the best interest of you and your friends to know the Word of God with regards to your relationships and to obey His Word.


31-05-2012

© Sarah Worldchanger Dominique

CYBER ROMANCE AND THE CHRISTIAN


I'm sure that many of you have your own comments about what I'm going to say, but what I intend to put forth is the truth. There is no clear-cut scriptural or Biblical "case" for internet dating. It is one of those "matters of conscience" spoken of by the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 10:23-33. God can certainly work and move in many different ways. Just as God's will was sometimes determined by lot in both Old and New Testaments (Prov. 18:18, Acts 1:26), God can certainly work through cyberspace or other means if that's what He wants to do.

However, just because it may "work" does not mean it must and would "work" for everyone. If someone finds their "soul-mate" through online dating, does that mean that it has God's blessing and stamp of approval for everyone else?
For a Christian, there are many considerations to be weighed before entering into this kind of dating. One must determine if this is God's plan and purpose for them and enter into it as an act of FAITH, not just as an experiment. Remember, we are in this world but we are not part of it and we walk by faith and not by sight. Personal Holiness, integrity of heart, inner motives, faith goals, safety and spiritual covering are all issues that must be faced and dealt with.

Listed below are several pros and cons of internet dating.
THE PROS:
WEB IS CONVENIENT: Internet socializing hardly requires any extra resources. All that is basically needed is a PC, and internet connection. From a single desktop, you get the ability to reach people in unimaginable corners of this world. You can choose any time of the day or night to search for people, leave messages or retrieve messages from both friends and strangers.

Also there is the fact that the internet makes some people have bad hair days, out-of-style wardrobes, acne outbreaks and non-issues.

INTERNET IS CHEAP: Compared to real-world socializing, dating on the internet proves to be much cheaper. At the most, you spend some minimal cash for subscribing to a dating service, coupled with the cost of internet connectivity. The internet does allow access to millions of people worldwide at relatively lower costs than accessing real potential daters in real life.

ONLINE DATING IS SAFE (in terms of initial information): Given the anonymity of users of the internet and the tools provided with most dating sites to limit undesirable contact, safety is a significant advantage to online dating over many traditional means meeting partners. However, identifying what increases or decreases the dangers is an important part of recognizing safety as an advantage of the internet in the matchmaking process. The key to online safety, experts note, is in limiting the amount of personal information revealed.

PROFILES SERVE AS A GOOD MEANS OF INTRODUCTION: For many, profiting comes as a major advantage to introducing oneself on the internet. Profiling allows users to limit their search to include those matching criteria that are absolutely vital in their potential dates. Criteria such as location, age, etc. can be accurately limited. Establishing "non-negotiable" criteria allow users to avoid a great deal of expense in terms of cash and time. It is no longer necessary for singles to embark on a four-hour date in order to discover the fatal flaw.


THE CONS:
IT'S NOT REAL: The psychology of courtship on the internet raises repeated concerns in terms of how web relationships progress. For one, online relationships start with the mere exchange of words. This eliminates the use of other human senses. Visual cues and non-verbal communication are missing in this kind of relationship in comparison to offline dating. This creates a challenge for people in terms of distinctly identifying the fantasy part and distinguishing it from reality. Also, online dating normally advances at a frenetic pace, with most of a person's life history and other details exposed in a relatively short period of time than in a real-world dating. This speed tends to create a disproportionate level of perceived intimacy which is separate from reality. The internet as a medium for such relationships has a tendency to immerse people in a situation where the line between fantasy and actuality becomes distorted. BEWARE!!!

DISHONESTY LEVELS ARE HIGH: This is the most commonly known disadvantage of online dating. The internet is full of stories about internet liars, or dating gone hay-wire, some even ending dangerously just because one or more of the people involved were dishonest about the information they revealed. More often than not, there are stories about people finding out that their online love, in real life is either maimed or doesn't look like what his/her photograph revealed, or is totally different from his/her personal description. Besides people, many online dating sites also lie in order to get registered users, or to tempt people into buying subscriptions.

SAFETY IS AT RISK: Earlier on I described online dating in the PROS as "safe", but it goes without saying that it also has its safety issues. Admittedly, there is a level of risk taken in being exposed to offensive or obscene materials when using online dating sites. There is also a risk of providing personal information that someone may use to harass or harm his/her victim especially through blackmail. However, common sense, good judgment, and minimal safety rules when applied online tend to reduce this risk considerably.

LIMITED CHEMISTRY: Chemistry is the most fundamental limitation of online dating in contrast to the traditional in-person methods. No amount of database field matching or grooving over instant messaging can guarantee that two people "click" in person. In many marriages, especially Christian marriages, couples are usually "opposites" in terms of likes, backgrounds, temperaments, etc. Their single most enduring compatible factor is that they both love the Lord. Only God can put that together. Listen, you cannot assess information about another without physical, non-verbal cues. Dr. Reece Burka said "A FALSE SENSE OF INTIMACY IS CREATED WHEN INTERACTION REMAINS PURELY COGNITIVE." These days, the increasing addition of web cameras, high-tech phones, iPads and many other high-tech gadgets are used as part of online services helps to some degree. The inability of the internet to reveal chemistry between people limits its value to the search, initial contact and establishment of interest with others.

OPENS THE DOOR TO ADDICTION:
Because of the need to spend a lot of time online to establish relationship, it is very easy to become addicted to computer chatting. It will not be noticeable at first, but there are several things to ask to find if the habit is becoming a problem:

1. Am I still spending quality time with God in prayer and devotions?

2. Am I spending more than an hour or two a day online?

3. Am I losing sleep or unable to maintain my level of activity due to tiredness or fatigue?

4. Am I preoccupied with the process to the extent of missing appointments, not returning calls, skipping meetings or other areas of responsibility, not maintaining other relationships?

5. Am I open to being accountable for time spent on dating online?


If there is evidence of any of these things taking place, it is probably time to back off and seek some godly counsel and prayer.


QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER WHEN DATING ONLINE

1. Is dating through the internet, with the goal of finding a husband/wife, God's will, purpose, and best choice for me?

Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:12) Just because others are using this method does not necessarily mean it has God's blessing on it for you. If this is truly God's best and the method for meeting a spouse, then blessing and favor will be peace, confidence and a level of faith released to see it through. It won't be approached as an "experiment" but as an act of faith (Rom 14:23, 2 Cor. 13:5)

2. If internet match-making is God's choice for you, are at least 2 or 3 other mature Christian believers who agree and support the plan?

Every matter must be established by the testimony of 2 or 3 witnesses (2 Cor. 13:1). If we want to stay under God's protective spiritual covering, then we can trust that God's plan will be evident to those in authority over us, as well as to other mature believers. Ideally, these persons should "bear witness" in their own hearts and spirits that this is God's will and agree to lend their prayer support and encouragement to the process. (This is not the case if others simply "go along with it" to see what happens...)
This should be people who know you and spend time with you somewhat consistently (small group, prayer partners, cell members, church leaders, school colleagues, etc.).

3. If you have tried to seek a spouse using "conventional" dating methods, what was your experience and how did that prompt the desire to use the internet?

If the choice of using the internet is based on frustration over past experiences, or any previous disappointments with God, consider your motives, and the state of your heart. If there is unresolved anger for God not answering a prayer or fulfilling a need, then our hearts are not in the right place to move forward to receive His intended blessings. In 1 Samuel 28, King Saul was frustrated with God because He hadn't answered his prayers. He tried all the conventional methods of prayer, but didn't get a reply. He was desperate for an answer. So even though he knew it was evil in God's sight, he decided to go seek advice from a medium (necromancer) and "call up" the prophet Samuel. It worked! He talked with the dead prophet (or so he thinks) only to find out he had been disobedient to God and would be dead in 24hours. The principle is this.
In our desperation for an answer from God, we can't take things into our own hands. If we are impatient with God' dealings and move ahead on our own, we will open the door to the demonic because of our disobedience. And, if He's not responding, could it be because of some unresolved issues that need to be dealt with first? God is looking at our heart and motives. He's looking at our level of faith and ability to totally trust Him for His time, His ability, His method...to act out of frustration or impatience could actually be an act of disobedience and hinder God's fullest blessing.

4. If it is discerned that internet dating is God's chosen method, then what safety measures and standards have been developed to ensure protection, not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally?

Is the site Christ-centered and God-honoring? Is a person's safety a concern? Are there tips and ideas shared to educate the user on how to use the site, maintaining their own privacy and safety? What is the integrity of the website?

5. Could your decision to use an internet dating service become a stumbling block to anyone?

Be careful, however that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge, won't he be emboldened? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge (1 Cor. 8:9-11).
"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others...so, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble...for I am not seeking my own good but the good of many so that they may be saved. (1 Cor. 10:23-33). If god has given you "freedom" to seek a spouse this way, is there anyone around you who may end up stumbling in their faith because of your involvement in it (or simply, their knowledge of your involvement)? Perhaps, a less mature believer who is struggling with loneliness and hears of this approach to intimacy? Perhaps another single that is frustrated at God's lack of provision and wants to join you in this pursuit of internet dating?
Do they have the same level of faith or insight to guard their heart and discern what is good and right?

6. What safeguards are in place to guard your own heart and emotional well-being?

"Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you. Guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit Who lives in us" (2 Tim 1:14)

"But each one is tempted, when by His own evil desires, he is dragged away and enticed. Then after desire has been conceived, it gives birth to sin..." (James 1:13-15)

"For a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him" (2 Pet 2:17-19)

"Set your hearts on things above" (Col 3:1)

Having the desire for intimacy, companionship, love and affection are good and God-given. Realistically, however, when that longing and desire is strong and yet unfulfilled, it puts the heart in a vulnerable position. Deception can easily happen when the heart is pulled by words or actions that feel good in the soul.

You must guard your hearts, thoughts and emotions and be accountable to someone else with your feelings. The heart can be deceptive and Godly counsel must be sought when the emotions are raw and hurting. When temptations come, to "act on impulse," or "go by your feelings", wisdom and discernment are needed from others around to guard your heart. Internet dating appeals to the soul - the dreams and longings of the heart. Wisdom must be sought in order to separate soul from spirit (Heb. 4:12) to determine proper responses and goals. Recognizing this tendency within your own emotions can better position you to make the right choices. And you need to ask God to fill that void and stand guard over your heart. (2 Tim 3:1-7 is a very interesting passage that seems to allude to popular media and its pull on your hearts.)

7. Apart from internet dating, have you ever asked God for a spouse? Have you invited 2 or 3 other mature believers to join you in this prayer and released your faith together in this way?

Before trying this "new" method of dating, have you really given God a chance using the "old-fashioned" Biblical way? When praying with others about your desire for companionship, greater insight will be gained as to God's ultimate purpose and will for you - even apart from marriage. Remember, God's goal is not to see you married but to see you WHOLE, HEALED AND READY to serve Him in whatever capacity He would call you. God's blessing may follow you in cyberspace dating if:
- You have discerned that this is the method that God has purposed for you to find a mate.
- You have submitted yourself to be accountable to 2 or 3 close friends who share in this call and will support you through prayer and the discernment process.
- You have the faith to believe that God can bring you a mate through these means.
- You exhibit fruit of the Spirit in your daily walk and walk in the peace and joy of the Spirit.

However, if there are questions or doubt about any of the criteria, that I stated, then you may need to spend more time in prayer and reflection before moving ahead. Don't forget, most of these dating sites are social networks i.e. the devil is also socializing there, so as a child of God, cyber romance should not be an option for you. Rather use these sites to share the Word of God and talk people out of these addictions. May God help us all.

I love y'all

KABAYA


05-02-2012

Copyright © Sarah Worldchanger Dominique

PREMARITAL SEX - THE CONSEQUENCES


It is also helpful to consider what happens when we disobey God. When we use HIS good gift of sexuality for the wrong purposes, what happens? What are the consequences? The Word of God is expressly clear on that point in Galatians 6:7 - "BE NOT DECEIVED, GOD IS NOT MOCKED: FOR WHATSOEVER A MAN SOWETH, THAT SHALL HE REAP."
The girl who violates God's commands concerning sex feels used and cheated. She realizes too late that she has "lost" a most precious possession - her VIRGINITY. "LOST", however, is not really the word because she gave it away cheaply. Virginity is a gift God gave her. It is not really her's, but God's, and she is just the steward of it. She is responsible to God for its care. She can give her virginity away only once. She can never get it back. She will never be able to give this precious gift to her God-given husband at the proper time.

Today's society says very little about the "pricelessness of virginity". To the contrary, television, movies, and romance novels make a woman's virginity so cheap. They sacrifice it on the altar of "fun". While I am convinced that most girls do cherish their virginity, I know they face many and great temptations to give it away. Some of them don't want to be considered "odd". Others want to have the feeling married women have after intercourse. Many think they can use sex to get "love". Many give in to their boyfriend's pleas because they do not want to lose his "love". In every case, however, it is selfishness that has made them violate God's will, and the consequences are irreversible.

The young man also "loses" something when he goes too far before marriage. He also gives away a priceless gift, and he does so cheaply. The loss of innocence through sexual impurity is as real for the boy as it is for the girl. He may deceive himself into believing that the gratification of the moment will make that loss worthwhile but he too will find, to his grief that it does not.
GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED!!!

All sexual activities before marriage are symbolic of the entering into the Holy of Holies in a degrading and profane manner, violating the will of God. The only reason for rushing so badly into this holy and beautiful mystery is THE SELFISHNESS OF PRIDE. Some people claim that they have the "right" to premarital sex because they are engaged to be married. They believe that their expressions of love make it right for them to violate God's law and will. Do consider the reasons for going contrary to God's command. EVERY ONE OF THEM IS WRONG: Self-gratification, the desire to be loved, the fear of what the partner may think. Can such motives and actions be defended before AN OPEN BIBLE?? It is God's will that sex be ONLY IN MARRIAGE and it is only HE Who unites them in marriage using the Church and the State for this purpose. A couple is not married merely on the basis of their commitment to each other.

The command of our God is, of course, sufficient reason to refrain from premarital sex. There is however this added consideration that not all couples who are engaged end up in marriage. Should they call off their engagement after engaging in sexual intercourse, they can be sure that if they do marry again, the pleasure of the marriage bed will not be unaffected by the memory of what went on before the marriage. Sin may deceive us into thinking we can get away with it BUT AGAIN, GOD IS NOT MOCKED.

Premarital sex always causes scars! Sin leaves scars. And the Scars will have an effect on the one who bears them later on. In the passion of the moment one does not think about the implications and consequences which extend far beyond that moment. You do not want to think about the consequences but SIN ALWAYS LEAVES A SEARING CUT WHICH ALWAYS LEAVES A SCAR. You cannot violate the commandment of God concerning something so wonderful and not be hurt by it. Sexual relationships many years later between the husband and with the wife you love so dearly are going to be affected by the illicit and immoral sexual activities that took place before the marriage. There is almost the blame game when things do not go on as they ought to during times of intimacy. One spouse usually blames the other of not "performing" like they used to before the marriage. They judge each other, blame each other and are plagued in their conscience by the acts that preceded the marriage.

When will we realize that God will not be mocked? We will reap what we sow! Sin leaves a scar, but there can be healing from the wounds which sin causes though there will always be a scar. Those scars will only be removed when we receive our resurrection bodies. Please consider the scars you will inflict on yourself and on the one you love before you rush into intimacy before God permits it.


GOD'S ANSWER TO PREMARITAL

He Who created sexual desires and Who redeemed them from being only powerful lusts of the flesh is also gracious in providing us a way of escape from the GUILT AND TYRANNY OF LUST. There is hope for those who have already violated God's pure gift of virginity. There is hope for those who desire to maintain the gift of purity which God gave them. There is hope for those who feel that the power of sex is out of control in their lives. This comforting hope of Divine healing is not for all. It is only for those with heartfelt sorrow and for those with an earnest desire to do God's will.

First, God's healing is the power of His sovereign grace to remove the guilt of sin. Grace is the power which delivers from the filth of our sinful flesh. We may not be able to get our virginity back (even as we cannot remove a hole after pulling out the nail), but we can still receive God's gracious forgiveness. Immorality is not sin which cannot be forgiven. Sexual sins are to be treated as all other sins and temptations - they are to be confessed, repented of, and forsaken. The prayer for God's forgiveness and for God's grace to walk in holiness must be lifted up to him. Then there would be the assurance of His gracious forgiveness. When He forgives, He does so completely. The sin is gone forever, never again to be brought against the one who sinned. As ugly as the sin is, forgiveness is more beautiful, and grace makes us beautiful before God.

We cannot retrieve our virginity once it's gone but we can certainly regain a chaste status as well as our purity before God. When God forgives, then He gives us a perfect righteousness. It's as though we had never sinned. It is as if we only did everything right. Therefore we hide ourselves under the wings of the righteous and holiness which Jesus earned for us. Then we may be sure that we stand before God pure, white robes, and we are called "HOLY UNTO THE LORD". Virginity is a precious gift, but an even more is the gift of forgiveness for the offender, for the person who loses it through premarital sex.

Secondly, the Spirit of Christ brings with complete forgiveness and righteousness, the healing power of deliverance from sin's power. The Spirit of Christ also imparts the gift of self-control called "temperance" in Galatians 5:23.
Sexual energies and desires, no matter how strong, are controllable. As powerful as they may be, they can be controlled, for the Power that is in us is greater than the power that is against us. The Bible teaches us that we are not helpless before these lusts. It is Christ, Who has been given power over heaven and earth, that strengthens us (Phil. 4:13). It is the divine Spirit Whose fruit is self-control. We can therefore break with sinful self-indulgence.

We are called not simply to maintain but also to develop Spirit-led self-control. Jesus spoke of those who were eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake (Matthew 19:12). He spoke of self-control and self-denial to the glory of God. He commanded that any man who would follow Him had to practice self-denial (Matthew 16:24) just like He did. Jesus supreme act of self-denial is what brought about salvation for sinners.

There are sins against which believers are commanded to stand and fight BUT the only way the Bible says we are to fight sexual sin and temptations is to FLEE from it (1 Cor. 6:18). Consider how Joseph fled from Potiphar's wife. This temptation is the kind that must not be faced head-on. Will-power and resolutions do not stand a chance before this particular temptation. It is too strong. To think that we can be "brave" and stand up to this sin will make us fools because God in His Wisdom commanded the apostle Paul to instruct us to flee from that sin. The only way to be faithful to God with regards to this sin IS TO FLEE FROM IT. The admonition to "flee" fornication has the clear implication that we must not over-estimate our self-control or our spirituality. This is why we are admonished to "make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof" (Rom 13:14).

To control sexual desires, we must realize the importance of avoiding situations where we know we will be tempted by the wiles of the devil. To control sexual desires, one needs more wisdom than Solomon had, for Solomon often fell prey to this temptation.

One way to prevent making provision for the flesh to fulfill its lusts is to "be alone with others, and never all alone." Date along with others. Also, stay away from every form of pornography. It's not "harmless".

Another way to fight the temptation of this sin is by making a commitment to be pure, to remain pure throughout the dating period. The two lovers must agree before dating to remain pure till marriage when they will become one flesh. This means that they must draw the lines as to how far they must go when it comes to the things they must and must not do. They need to draw the line before they date because of how powerful the Bible describes physical attraction. We cannot have a developing romantic love without having an increasing desire for consummation. We would be unwise to deny this fact that it is abnormal to become more and more intimate mentally and emotionally and not want to be physically and sexually intimate. An unmarried couple plays with fire if they keep getting very close to each other and are not ready to marry. They need to draw the line before they date because wavering at the beginning often results in falling in the end.

Shalom Family!!!


01-02-2012
Copyright © Sarah Worldchanger Dominique